Don't Demand Respect, Earn It

25 July 2006
When did the Maldivian culture evolve into such an environment where love, respect and caring are seen as traits to be ridiculed?

Remember the days when love was the reason you got into a relationship? A time when people used to respect each other and care for each other; wanted relationships to end up in marriage? Times when courting periods were shorter and marriages lasted longer? When people wrote sweet poetry on leafs, or on the ‘fanvaiy’ of houses for each other in much earlier times? Maybe some of us do but most of the people these days have no clue what it is all about.

People no longer believe in love at first sight; now it’s lust at first sight. People do not have relationships, instead there are flings and affairs which everyone wants to forget and get over to the next conquest as soon as possible. Men want to add to their little black book or their mobile phonebook. Women are more sexual than ever before. We see everything from scantily clad women to the “buruga” clad women. It doesn’t matter how they are dressed or which sex they are, anyone could be having an affair outside marriage or with a married person. Some prefer their careers over relationships unless it just happens. However, what I want to know is, when did we stop respecting each other?

In a recent conversation with some male office mates, it became apparent that they did not think much of women. For them, there were the pretty girls, meaning the women who had no qualms about revealing all and no inhibitions at all and then there were the ‘foni’ women, the ones who actually had some kind of respect for themselves, whom they believed were either hiding something, or needed some kind of a lesson to be taught by a man. They thought more about which one they could easily ‘get’ and some men even go so far as to claim that women these days are so easy, they could have their pick of them. People are dating on dares or bets.

It’s the same for women. They don’t think much of Maldivian men either. In fact, women have relationships online with total strangers out of the country rather than socialize locally and meet someone face to face. Of course, there are the women who are dating around and trying to find someone to settle on or not, and these are the women who usually get no respect from anyone. They are deemed to be easy and the ‘havaru thunfohi’ or something similar. Everyone it seems is very misunderstood in their own way. No shy innocents anymore, everyone is jaded. How and why did this happen and when did it come about?

Perhaps it could have begun when people started having all this freedom for themselves, to do whatever they want and whenever they want. Of course, this isn’t such a bad thing in some ways. There is a saying somewhere that feminism was created by men just so that men could take advantage of it. There could be some truth to that. When a woman dates around, she becomes a ‘badi’ instantly, whilst a man could date around and be looking for the right one. That’s acceptable and good. What’s up with that?

Married men are having affairs with young girls half their age. Both are actually to blame in this, however, usually the women are blamed more than the men. The wives would think it’s the other woman’s fault for stealing their husband. What about the husband who doesn’t seem to care much for the sacred vow he took when marrying? Granted our religion allows a man to have more than one wife but if we are blaming someone why is it just the woman you should take it? How come he doesn’t get the blame for going to the other woman? Men and women are to be blamed equally for these.

We are losing respect for each other and slowly losing faith, and trust is something which does not come easily to us anymore. How could we trust someone with such things constantly happening all around us? It’s only natural that this should happen. This is what our young population is seeing and believing and growing up in, this atmosphere of lies and deception. Respect is something that needs to be instilled in people at a young age or even later for it to be of any benefit to that person. This is simply not happening here anymore, in our society of affairs and broken families and children who grow up without proper care. What is going wrong with our society and why is this happening? I have no definite answers yet for these questions and I doubt anyone does.

Recently, a friend of mine decided to get a divorce for the umpteenth time after her husband continuously kept cheating on her with different women. Every time, she forgives him and gives him one more chance as they have been married for 15 years with three kids. Yet, she is being woken up almost every other night to the sound of phone calls to his mobile from a woman who claims to be ‘just a friend’ at two in the morning and SMSs proclaiming undying love for the husband. Her husband flat out refuses to acknowledge that there is anything going on, even when she catches him with other women occasionally. She still wants to give it a go as is the case with many single mothers here in the Maldives; it is not possible to raise three children alone without a lot of financial help from the father.

In this case as well, the husband, if he respected and cared for the wife, would not have done anything to hurt her or his children. It is not as if she had done anything either, as she is a stay at home mother who gets no free time between taking care of the children and her husband.

According to Family Court Law fathers are ordered to pay the set sum to the Court and the mothers who have custody of the children to collect their dues from the Court. Where fathers repeatedly fail to make Court-ordered child-support, they are penalized by being jailed for a period of 15 days. What good is that? It just makes things worse.

Also our family courts have not come up with a foolproof system for this type of situation and many a single mother with children are either trying to get by without the promised money from the divorced father, or trying to earn a living while raising the children. The laws concerning these needs to be revised as the amount that the father is to pay for the children’s upbringing is just not enough in this day and age. The costs of living expenses are high and a single mother without a job has to struggle with the measly amount that could come or not each month.

Simply filing for divorce does not give respite to the troubled wife either. Our courts would not give a divorce easy as it should be, especially when children are put into the equation and would give due ‘naseyhah’ or advice to both parties and ask them to try once again. I understand that this is done in an effort to bring down the divorce rate in Maldives, as we have already made it into world record books for having the highest divorce rates but this is getting ridiculous. Putting individuals concerned into such difficult situations, without any help or hope of getting to a happier solution, just to bring down the divorce rates and off the world record books is a bit too much.

According to law, you cannot file for divorce again before three months and the wife has to endure this once again for another three months as was the case with Nasheeda. Her husband was cheating on her with another woman. With four kids to take care of after fourteen years of marriage, she could not handle the emotional stress of it on her daily life and wanted the divorce soon. However, she had to endure almost half a year before the court gave her the divorce. She says: ‘It’s not as if they put us into marriage counseling or anything every time we go there when they send us off home so soon. He would continue to do as he wished and nothing would change. If only there was more to it only would this work.”

This is a most common situation here and it is a growing concern. The amount of children who grow up without proper care or love from their parents is too many. Single parents are not able to take care of their children properly while trying to earn a living. Most children do not respect their parents for the way they have been treated during their childhood and they grow up not respecting others and they do not have faith in relationships as obviously they have grown up in such an atmosphere where it is not something that is respected.

Abuse in marriages and relationships is another thing that is common in Maldives. What compels people to abuse their partners? It is considered that sometimes, people who come from such backgrounds tend to abuse others but this is not the case every time.

In a review carried out by the Ministry of Gender, Family Development and Social Security with the support of UNFPA in 2004/2005 of the Maldives Family Law, it was seen that the right of wives to petition for divorce did not necessarily translate to ‘access’ to divorce with only 10.45% of divorce petitions granted in 2000. Court records show that the wives who petitioned the Court for divorce got a favorable outcome only where the husband was ready and willing to give a divorce. In instances where husbands challenged and/or refused to divorce, the women were more often than not forced to go back home with their husbands; quite possibly to a relationship even more strained and harmful than before, due to the ‘crime’ of the wife having challenged the husband in public.

“Divorce was very rarely granted, even if violence or abuse was given as the reason for the petition. Of the cases where the court refused divorce/permission to divorce, 71.43 were wife-initiated petitions, and in all these cases the husbands had not agreed to the divorce. The grounds on which the Court based their decisions did not always reflect the grounds on which the petition was made. For example, 30% of the wife-initiated petitions had explicitly noted “the actions of the husband” - which could be anything from negligence to wife-abuse – as reason for requesting divorce, but the Court records did not reflect any attention to the issue.”

Source: www.planning.gov.mv

This review concludes that the Family Law analysis is far removed from the everyday realities of people. That currently the levels of maintenance are determined according to the circumstances of the husband (former husband) whatever the circumstances of the wife (former wife), which is problematic as it does not address needs in real terms. Further, the burden of providing maintenance falls upon the man regardless of the circumstances of the woman. Maintenance should be assessed and adjusted according to the means and circumstances of the concerned couple.

Why is this happening and why isn’t anyone concerned about this? Perhaps we have evolved past this whole love, care and trust thing now or simply gotten used to accepting that this is a myth. Just like we hear about fairies and unicorns, now we will read about love from books and see it only in movies. It’s not real at all.

Respect, care, love and understanding is something one can achieve through their own actions and attitude, it is something that is earned. One needs to earn the other persons respect. Perhaps this could be where one starts and maybe the rest will come naturally. I believe that our young generation needs good role models to look up to. It all starts at home where the first human experiences children feel are of the family around them. If it is how the children grow up, in a warm, caring environment where everyone respects one another, perhaps they would grow up to be more positive human beings, who respect, honor and above all have empathy for each other. Parents need to be shining examples. They must instruct and train their children on how to love their spouses and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be kind and helpful and respect each other. Perhaps they may have more faith in relationships and all walks of life as grownups.